Wednesday, December 8, 2010

How do we chose to forgive?

Today was a day marked with many good things.  Today was also a day of sadness for me.  When you find out that a wrong that has hurt you so deeply, cannot be made right in the way it should be what do you do?  When you are faced with such helplessness combined with more pain than anyone should have to do you forgive when the deliverer of this heartache is not even acknowledging it is there?  Forgiveness to me in it's most simple explanation is: You wrong me, you admit, I forgive. or I wrong you, I admit, you forgive.  I can forgive the man on the highway for cutting me off.   I can forgive the rude waitress who wants a $15 tip for no service.  I can forgive my best friend for lying to me.  I can forgive my children for disobeying me.  All of these different situations I can forgive even if they do not ask.  But I feel in life there are some things where God really puts to test the value of forgiveness and the true act of forgiving as He forgives us.  It is not in me to forgive today.   I don't think it will ever be in me to forgive what I have gone through.  I do know that it is in Him.  Lord, help me today to forgive.  Help me be like You, because as much as it hurts, I do not want to be my unforgiving self right now.  I want to truly forgive.  A lot of times we say we forgive these deep painful things in our lives but secretly we hold on to part of that hurt.  It exposes itself eventually.  When you encounter that person, or when you spend some time with them, or when an argument arises...I want to offer complete forgiveness.  I so want to be what my human self does not.  So tonight I have just my brokenness.  Lord, take my pain and use it.  Show me Your way so that You may be glorified and others may see Your light through my darkest hour.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder...

Well the last week and a half has been full of projects.  I got the idea that I would start painting some things I needed to get out of the way.  I don't know if the fumes have gotten to me or what because I can't seem to stop!  Paint, paint, paint...My skin on my hands and wrists has become a strange shade of speckled black and white(two of my favorite "colors" or noncolors if you will=)  So I will begin by posting some before and afters and maybe tell you a bit about my looooooooove to make old into new.

The ugliest green known to man and, yes, I picked it.  Was not expecting this hospital, circa 1965 version of green. 
So...I made her pretty and sleek in a little black dress=D You will find that probably ALL of my pieces are a "her".  You spend that much time with something and she's like a good friend(I know, the fumes..)
*She still needs some new hardware but haven't found just the right stuffs yet.

And this little table was screaming to be part of a white Christmas....

And what a difference!  I have one more and a coffee table that will be next on the white wash list=)

This patio furniture, I regret, I do not have a before picture for.  I am not sure why.  Blame it on the fumes again=)  But to give you a mental picture, it was this old powder, sort of slate blue.  Very rusted and just more dated than antique looking.  Sandpaper, Rustoleum, and paint to the rescue!

These two chairs were given to me and the white just stood out too much and just seemed dated. They were, by far the most trying as far as paint jobs went this week and last.  Oh wicker I despise you!  But I love the way they turned out=)(I only photographed one)

And the end result........cozy

And now for my girls' room.  This was actually where the painting marathon began.  I got a wonderful deal on these sweet Jenny Lind beds from my friend Rhonda.  They only needed a little paint to make them sweeter.  I'm not sure if you can tell but the first bed had almost a blue and white tie dyed look and the second was just, well brown.

And let me tell you, after being in their brother's hand-me-down boyish bunk beds...the L-O-V-E these!!!(me too=))))
And last, but certainly not least, the girls' desk.  This desk was a test in itself.  Not only did I have to conquer a Formica top(who knew you would find that on Ethan Allen) but also an angry paint can that wanted to dribble huge droplets of paint all over me and the desk!  Oh thank you husband for solving that mystery for me and saving what was left of the paint Walmart was out of!  So...before

Not so bad but not nearly girly enough for my two sweethearts!

Now this definitely suits them=)

Well I've painted until I don't think I could stand to look at another piece of furniture again.  But then again I do have plans to start again Thursday or Friday=)  Projects on the list right now: a chair that is in the process of reupholstering(scary, I know), another wicker set, a swivel desk chair, and maybe a night stand.  We will see.  So glad I got to share these things and sooooooo glad they are done!

Monday, December 6, 2010


As I sit at my computer tonight reading my usual blogs I am reminded how much I have crammed in to each day.  All of my to-do lists.  All of my goals and aspirations for the day.  Selfish most of them.  What can I get done to feel that accomplishment of worthiness?  How much does it take on my scale?  It doesn't ever seem like enough.  When I think I have tackled so much in a day I can always think of more things I could have done if I had utilized time better.  If I hadn't had to take time to break up arguments.  If things would go exactly how I want them to I could get sooooo much more done.  Would I be satisfied?  Would I give myself that well deserved pat on the back?  I don't really think so.  It comes from the person in me always striving to be good enough.  The person who wants to earn approval from everyone and myself.  I don't know what transpired in my life to build this person but it seems to be who I've always been.  So the question I've been asking myself lately is, "When will I realize that I will never be good enough?" and that God sent His Son for that very reason.  I seem to spill this expectation of measuring up and being good enough onto those around me also.  So all of this time wasted.  All of these efforts for what?  So I can say...I did this, or I accomplished that?  What am I living for?  Who am I living for?  If I am not living for a living God then the rest is meaningless.  If I spend my days trying to "get it right" as far as I believe will make me good then I am striving to earn my salvation.  And most of the time it has more to do with me than with God.  More to do with my own selfish desires and less to do with what He desires for me.  I am not saying that you cannot have goals or aspirations.  These are all good things.  But are they driven by God or by the need to fill something that only He can fulfill.  I don't want to waste this life trying to obtain all I can.  I want to know Him.  I want to seek him.  I want to know that He is far more important than any to-do list I could ever come up with.  Then I believe I would not find the need to keep adding to the list. 

Tuesday, November 16, 2010


I've been feeling a sense of discontent lately.  Just as if I'm floating around without direction.  Sort of numb and not allowing myself to process all that is going around me.  There's been allot.  But I realized I need to process it.  I'm slowly letting it all in.  And as I do I find my Lord meets me there.  He shows me that although the things of this world may change He never will.  I admit I have become attached to some of the things in this world that make me feel secure.  I'm working on this.  God is faithful to show me that He is all I need.  And while the comforts of this world may be just that...He is my true Comforter.  I am writing this for me.  So I can recognize out loud what I so desperately need His grace for.  I am not able to overcome my weaknesses without Him.  And without Him I am unable to recognize them in the first place.  So I'm coming, Lord, on my knees waiting for You to show me the way.  I need You and only You.  This world has nothing for the song writer wrote.  Lord You said this world is not my home.  So I will try each day to remember my eternal home and live this life as a guest.  Knowing that no matter the trial, no matter the pain, no matter the have so much more in store for us when we do come home forever.  Thank you Lord for always knowing my thoughts, for always knowing my needs, and for caring enough about the sinner that I am to hold my heart in your hands. 

Thursday, November 11, 2010

One Less

Too often we get caught up in our own lives, our own struggles.  While our struggles may be great, there are always much greater struggles happening in the lives of others.  I think by reaching out of our own worlds and reaching into others we can find that helping them can also help ourselves.  We are called to serve.  While our God cares about our trials He also calls us to look into the trials of our neighbor.  What do we have that we could give?  In a world of so much need we cannot afford to be selfish.  So while I am struggling with trials of my own I am trying to look outward.  God will take care of me.  He knows my every need and it does not matter how much I worry because He has the final plan.  (pause my player at the bottom to listen to the link=)

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Still here

It seems like whenever I go through difficult times in my life there are these ups and downs.  One day things are ok and another I can't stop thinking about what is troubling me.  I feel torn between emotions I feel are valid and ones I feel I shouldn't feel, if that makes any sense.  And then I want to know.  God, how will You make this right?  How will it all be ok?  Is this really Your plan?  I'm trying to find rest in Him.  I want to do, fix, coordinate, make things work...I can't.  Hepless is not a feeling I like to wallow in for very long.  How do you mangage hurt?  How do you fix pain?  How do you make loss work?  I pray but it still hurts.  I listen in the hopes of hearing something but there is just this swirling of thoughts that I'm afraid to think because I think if I go there I might just crumble.  I want to trust even though it hurts and it is hard.  I want to believe He has His hand in this.  It is not easy.  I suppose if it were easy the lesson could not be learned.  He would not be glorified.  And maybe I would not realize just how much I need Him every day...

Thursday, October 28, 2010

I am not a fan of change

So right now is a time of sadness around here.  We are losing our Pastor and his family.  They are transfering to another church for various reasons.  I don't know if this is normal or not but we as a family love our Pastor and his family like family.  I am great friends with his wife and daughter.  I feel alot of heartache right now.  I don't know what God wants me to do with all of this.  I know that I should not put my rest in people, but in Him, but the human in me still feels sadness and lots of it.  They are, after all, the reason I felt led to go to that church.  Does this mean I am more about the people in the church rather than God?  I feel as if my whole world is being rocked and I'm so uncertain what comes next.  Why is it that I don't feel I can have church unless it is what I am used to?  Why do I need a certain type of music to get in the presence of the Lord?  I find myself asking these questions as I wonder who will fill the place of this family I love so much.  Am I worshiping God or needing stuff to fill the space?  I don't know if any of my doubts are valid or if I am just questioning everything because everything is changing.  I am not a strong person.  I am not a leader.  I seem to drift toward others' examples and then try to emulate that.  I find myself thinking on that too...shouldn't I be looking to God for the example and not depending on humans who are by nature sinners, for the example?    But I can see people.  I think that's my problem.  Easy to look at people for the example-I can see and touch them.  If I look to God and only God for my example it requires faith and the unseen...trials,tests, never gets easier.  I'm making the decision, without a whole lot of excitement, to trust.  To believe that God knows my heartache.  He knows my needs.  He knows I am not strong.  He knows I am not a leader.  And in doing that I know through Him I can be all of these things and have all I need.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

A diary of my life....

So this is it.  I've finally done it and embarked into the blogosphere.  I've been wanting to do this for some time because I am such a blog junkie.  I am inspired by the blogs of other mothers who, I see, are removing all of the smoke and mirrors we feel as mothers we need to put up to distract the world from the rawness of what our lives actually are to somehow impress someone.  But these fronts and this fakeness only leaves us feeling one thing.  Alone.  We are not achieving this title of "great mother" or "mrs. has it all together".  We are only isolating ourselves.  Because in all reality we are like all of the other mothers out there hiding our realness.  And this realness is what I have found out there in the wonderful world of blogs.  Where a mom can admit her weaknesses and find encouragement and advice from other moms.  It's where what is not said aloud even in the confidence of the most  honest friendships can be said to the world.  I'm writing for my family and for myself.  So maybe somehow I can take what the Bible tells me to do..."confess your sins one to another"...and not feel as if I will be an outcast or not live up to their standards.  Because when it comes down to it.  Their opinion of me does not decide my eternity.  And if I ever want to grow in Christ I have to learn to admit my weaknesses and faults.  Aloud.  Or for this blog for now.  I will never be good enough to work my way to heaven.  Jesus would not have paid such a price if I could be.  I believe my life lesson has been to let go and stop trying.  Trying to measure up.  Trying to hide my inadequacies.  Trying to fix me so He will see me fit to be a "good" Christian.  So this is my journal.  My life in all it's messiness.  I hope this can be a vessel of truth.