Thursday, October 28, 2010
I am not a fan of change
So right now is a time of sadness around here. We are losing our Pastor and his family. They are transfering to another church for various reasons. I don't know if this is normal or not but we as a family love our Pastor and his family like family. I am great friends with his wife and daughter. I feel alot of heartache right now. I don't know what God wants me to do with all of this. I know that I should not put my rest in people, but in Him, but the human in me still feels sadness and lots of it. They are, after all, the reason I felt led to go to that church. Does this mean I am more about the people in the church rather than God? I feel as if my whole world is being rocked and I'm so uncertain what comes next. Why is it that I don't feel I can have church unless it is what I am used to? Why do I need a certain type of music to get in the presence of the Lord? I find myself asking these questions as I wonder who will fill the place of this family I love so much. Am I worshiping God or needing stuff to fill the space? I don't know if any of my doubts are valid or if I am just questioning everything because everything is changing. I am not a strong person. I am not a leader. I seem to drift toward others' examples and then try to emulate that. I find myself thinking on that too...shouldn't I be looking to God for the example and not depending on humans who are by nature sinners, for the example? But I can see people. I think that's my problem. Easy to look at people for the example-I can see and touch them. If I look to God and only God for my example it requires faith and the unseen...trials,tests,heartache...life never gets easier. I'm making the decision, without a whole lot of excitement, to trust. To believe that God knows my heartache. He knows my needs. He knows I am not strong. He knows I am not a leader. And in doing that I know through Him I can be all of these things and have all I need.