Thursday, October 28, 2010

I am not a fan of change

So right now is a time of sadness around here.  We are losing our Pastor and his family.  They are transfering to another church for various reasons.  I don't know if this is normal or not but we as a family love our Pastor and his family like family.  I am great friends with his wife and daughter.  I feel alot of heartache right now.  I don't know what God wants me to do with all of this.  I know that I should not put my rest in people, but in Him, but the human in me still feels sadness and lots of it.  They are, after all, the reason I felt led to go to that church.  Does this mean I am more about the people in the church rather than God?  I feel as if my whole world is being rocked and I'm so uncertain what comes next.  Why is it that I don't feel I can have church unless it is what I am used to?  Why do I need a certain type of music to get in the presence of the Lord?  I find myself asking these questions as I wonder who will fill the place of this family I love so much.  Am I worshiping God or needing stuff to fill the space?  I don't know if any of my doubts are valid or if I am just questioning everything because everything is changing.  I am not a strong person.  I am not a leader.  I seem to drift toward others' examples and then try to emulate that.  I find myself thinking on that too...shouldn't I be looking to God for the example and not depending on humans who are by nature sinners, for the example?    But I can see people.  I think that's my problem.  Easy to look at people for the example-I can see and touch them.  If I look to God and only God for my example it requires faith and the unseen...trials,tests, never gets easier.  I'm making the decision, without a whole lot of excitement, to trust.  To believe that God knows my heartache.  He knows my needs.  He knows I am not strong.  He knows I am not a leader.  And in doing that I know through Him I can be all of these things and have all I need.

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