Sunday, October 28, 2012

My Doubt His Belief

A million different thoughts.  We are faced with decisions in life where we ask why me.  I find myself wondering why I feel the Lord asks me to do the very thing I feel I am not designed to do.  I am a helper.  I am a caregiver.  I am a multitasker.  I am a handful of things in my own eyes.  I feel I know what I am called to and at the same time wonder if I've missed it.  But when I am faced with something completely out of my comfort zone, something I feel is better left for someone else more qualified, I this it?  Are You calling me, Lord, to fill in the gap that I don't feel even the slightest bit adequate to fill?  I will say it's not what I'm designed to do.  I will say You have made me for other things, not this.  I will squirm and fumble around and avoid this thing that I fear I will fall flat on my face trying to accomplish for You.  I can't.  I won't.  Oh but Lord I want to if it is for You.  Confusion and doubt come in like a flood during these times.  If I linger long enough they possibly could overwhelm me.  So I fight through.  I pray.  I wonder, why me?  Only You know the answers to those lingering questions.  The uncertainty of it all is what brings You glory.  Why did I never see this before? One little step of faith into the unknown is all it takes to move forward in His perfect will.  I want to be ok with the unknown.  I want to pray past all fear and rest.  Just rest in Him.  Old habits die hard.  I feel each new and completely different circumstance teaches me that same life lesson I have been learning all along this walk.  Trust Him.  Rely completely on Him.  Let go, and be obedient.  Oh but what will it look like? How will I prepare for something I don't know the outcome to?  I am just going to have to be ok with knowing He's got this and He will work all things together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.  Oh that verse has new meaning tonight.  Tonight when I feel lost like the branch being tossed to and fro.  Tonight I have to just believe and step ahead.  Sometimes there is a calm and a peace from the Holy Spirit that just comes.  And other times I feel like I have to go to war with my flesh.  Everything in my spirit wants to align with His word but my flesh screams the opposite and the battle is on.  Where does my help come from?  My help comes from the Lord, maker of heaven and earth.  I say these things in my mind as I go back and forth.  Reassuring.  Constant truth flooding me as doubt tries to seep in. 

*Remember to pause my player at the bottom of the screen if you would like to listen to this song=)

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Moms Just Know

"Do you know where I put my karate belt?" "I can't find the vanilla in the cupboard.  Will you please help me?" "Where are the keys to my truck?" "I had my wallet on the dresser.  Where is it?" "Can you help me find my workbook?"  "Where did I put my favorite jeans?" "Have you seen my iPod?"  All of these questions are directed at one person.  Mom.  And most likely, she knows the answer to most of them or if she doesn't she will find it far more efficiently than the family member asking.  Why?  Mom pays attention to detail when it comes to her family.  She knows that she went and gathered the laundry from the kids' rooms and washed that karate belt that was in desperate need of a cleaning.  She knows that the last time a child made oatmeal on the stove top that child has a tendency to hastily put things back in the cupboard, knocking things over, making them hard to find.  She knows that a tired husband who normally leaves everything on his dresser, occasionally forgets to empty his jean pockets, which are now in the laundry pile.  She knows that he also occasionally leaves his wallet in the center console of his truck without realizing it.  She knows that the favorite jeans always end up in the dirty clothes and constantly need to be washed because they are a favorite.  She knows that a workbook is probably stuffed in some chair cushion that the child sits in to do schoolwork.  She knows the iPod is probably either in a pants pocket or in the washing machine because it never leaves a pants pocket.  She just knows. She knows where to look for just about anything because she knows how her family thinks, behaves, and lives.  It can be frustrating at times.  She thinks, "No, I don't know where YOU put YOUR wallet.  I didn't have it last, you did."  But she will go look anyway, because she has a pretty good idea where it is.  The heart of a mom always wants to help even if it can get tiring.  I sometimes joke with my husband, "How did you make it out the door in one piece before you met me? Is this some sort of marital condition that sets in at the point of 'I do'? You lose all ability to remember where you put things?" Haha!  It's alright with me.  I get a little bit of joy being the magician who can find the things no one else can.  They all act as if it is a miracle when I find something. "Where did you find it?!" "We looked everywhere! How did you find it?!" I just smile.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

New Life

Sitting in a hospital room waiting for my little niece to be born makes me think back on my kids' lives.  It seems like so long ago that I had little ones.  Yet it doesn't seem like they should be as old as they are.  People tell you "they grow up fast", "time flies", "enjoy these moments, they'll be gone before you know it".  All these things they say and as a new mom you hear but don't really take to heart.  Few people live like they won't ever have those moments again.  Few people really cherish those baby years.  All of those firsts.  Few moms take time to really hold their kids while they can.  We all love our kids and give them all we have within us but life is busy.  Life is stressful.  Life is demanding.  Making every moment count can get pushed to the waist side. I have a lot of regrets.  Thinking of things I missed out on when I was too busy being busy.  But that doesn't stop me from wanting to do better today.  To take in more.  Breathe in life.  My kids will not remember my clean house.  My kids will not remember how many craft projects I tackled.  My kids will not look back and think of all of the activities they were allowed to be involved in.  They will remember the hugs.  They will remember the picnics in the park on a sunny day.  They will look back on the crazy camping trips in the pouring rain when we all huddled together under a tarp.  They will remember the not so expensive vacation when we didn't really "do" anything but love was shared and memories were made.  They will remember the coffee dates, the game nights, the Sunday night hot dog roasts, the spontaneous road trips, and the hikes in the woods.  These are the things I want implanted in my kids' memories of our family.  I pray that this will always be my heart's desire.  I pray that I never get too distracted, stressed or overwhelmed by life that I forget the truly important call to be a mom.  New life.  New beginnings.  It is never to late to realize what really matters.