Monday, January 13, 2014

Fill me up

I am completely empty today.  I have a bad habit of running my car out of gas.  Not completely, but to the point I find myself saying, quite often, "Kids, start praying.  We're almost out of gas and need to make it 20 more miles.  Mom forgot to fill up again."  I've gone through 2 fuel pumps in 4 years and they aren't cheap for this gas hog.  But thankfully I've never been stranded.  Even the smallest, seemingly petty prayers are heard by God.  So like my car, I have let myself become empty, warning light on, Lord fill me up.  I have absolutely nothing to give but myself.  Unworthy, undeserving, but so desperate for You, Lord.  When will I learn?  When will I come to the place when I realize that I will always be this earthen vessel in need of You?  I am so physically and emotionally exausted all I can do is cry out to You and ask you to fill me.  Take everything else that is left and fill me with all of You.

This post was in my drafts folder. I do that a lot. Write and don't finish. Something I need to work on. Finishing things.  Another resolution. But today, this fits and I needed to be reminded of the things I wrote.

Friday, January 10, 2014

Live, learn, and pick up the pieces

Some things you just can't fix.  I'm the type of person who can't stand for others to be mad at me.  If I've done wrong I want to try my hardest to fix it before the sun goes down.  I hate disappointing others.  I'm far too concerned about what others think at times.  But then in the same breath, if I feel I'm right, I tend to not back down from my stance.  And while this can be good for standing your ground for what is right, it can also breed stubbornness and pride.  Oh the ugly head of pride and self righteousness that disguises itself as wisdom and clarity.  This year has been tough.  Physically and emotionally.  Hard lessons learned and not all of them were at just my expense.  I wonder sometimes if others learn their lessons as hard as I do in their own Christian walks.  I wonder if others get so blinded by their own "wisdom" that they lose sight of God's direction.  Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one out here really screwing things up big time.  I'm not trying to be dramatic, I really do think these things.  So what do you do when you've mucked things up and damaged hearts and lost sight of His plan?  Well, if you're me you don't figure any of that out for quite some time later. You just have to start from the beginning again.  Pray.  Seek forgiveness.  Repent.  And trust that the God who holds your heart can heal all things.  I struggle because I want everything to be the way it used to be.  Sometimes that is not possible.  But healing and restoring is. And out of my mess God is still working.  He hasn't stopped believing in me.  He hasn't stopped nudging me in His direction.  And it amazes me that even when I am over here stumbling over my own two feet, trying to find my way out of this tunnel I've wandered down, He doesn't change.  He continues to fulfill His promises.  He continues to answer my prayers.  There's a solace in knowing that this is only for a time.  This world.  This heartache.  These mistakes.  These struggles.  If we fight the good fight.  If we continue in the race, there is a reward.  There is a joy of a future with the One who carries me through all of this.   

The key, I believe, is holding on to His truth. The bible says, "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked; who can know it?"  So when we put our trust in ourselves and our own feelings we can land so far off base it's dangerous.  I'm not saying that we cannot trust our God given discernment, but everything bathed in prayer people.  Not being led by our feelings but by the Holy Spirit.  And using the word of God as our guide book.  So many times as Christians we get an idea of how we think things should be. How they should look. How people should act and be.   God deals with us all and I'm pretty sure He can handle it.  I think I lost sight of how much work He was still doing on me.  Don't ever let yourself get to a place where you think, this is good enough.  I'm not doing terrible things, I'm maintaining here...good enough.  God has so much more planned.  One of my old pastors used to say, we should be continuing daily to look more and more like Jesus.  I can't do that if I'm ok with where I am.  Good enough keeps us distant from God.  Good enough keeps us from reaching for Him and seeking His guidance and truth.  Good enough doesn't really need
God because good enough thinks it has all it needs from God and doesn't seek more.  I think good enough in our minds can be a pretty safe place to be but, in all actuality is a very dangerous place to be.  If we aren't seeking to move forward in our walk and relationship, where does that leave us? I'm going to guess....going backwards. 

So I'm still learning.  And I'm counting my blessings. God is still God regardless of what is going on and He is still doing amazing things.  Answering prayers I had almost given up on.  Changing hearts and molding future generations. 

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation: old things have passed away, behold, all things have become new."-2 Corinthians 5:17