Monday, December 6, 2010
As I sit at my computer tonight reading my usual blogs I am reminded how much I have crammed in to each day. All of my to-do lists. All of my goals and aspirations for the day. Selfish most of them. What can I get done to feel that accomplishment of worthiness? How much does it take on my scale? It doesn't ever seem like enough. When I think I have tackled so much in a day I can always think of more things I could have done if I had utilized time better. If I hadn't had to take time to break up arguments. If things would go exactly how I want them to I could get sooooo much more done. Would I be satisfied? Would I give myself that well deserved pat on the back? I don't really think so. It comes from the person in me always striving to be good enough. The person who wants to earn approval from everyone and myself. I don't know what transpired in my life to build this person but it seems to be who I've always been. So the question I've been asking myself lately is, "When will I realize that I will never be good enough?" and that God sent His Son for that very reason. I seem to spill this expectation of measuring up and being good enough onto those around me also. So all of this time wasted. All of these efforts for what? So I can say...I did this, or I accomplished that? What am I living for? Who am I living for? If I am not living for a living God then the rest is meaningless. If I spend my days trying to "get it right" as far as I believe will make me good then I am striving to earn my salvation. And most of the time it has more to do with me than with God. More to do with my own selfish desires and less to do with what He desires for me. I am not saying that you cannot have goals or aspirations. These are all good things. But are they driven by God or by the need to fill something that only He can fulfill. I don't want to waste this life trying to obtain all I can. I want to know Him. I want to seek him. I want to know that He is far more important than any to-do list I could ever come up with. Then I believe I would not find the need to keep adding to the list.