Still here

It seems like whenever I go through difficult times in my life there are these ups and downs.  One day things are ok and another I can't stop thinking about what is troubling me.  I feel torn between emotions I feel are valid and ones I feel I shouldn't feel, if that makes any sense.  And then I want to know.  God, how will You make this right?  How will it all be ok?  Is this really Your plan?  I'm trying to find rest in Him.  I want to do, fix, coordinate, make things work...I can't.  Hepless is not a feeling I like to wallow in for very long.  How do you mangage hurt?  How do you fix pain?  How do you make loss work?  I pray but it still hurts.  I listen in the hopes of hearing something but there is just this swirling of thoughts that I'm afraid to think because I think if I go there I might just crumble.  I want to trust even though it hurts and it is hard.  I want to believe He has His hand in this.  It is not easy.  I suppose if it were easy the lesson could not be learned.  He would not be glorified.  And maybe I would not realize just how much I need Him every day...