Still here

It seems like whenever I go through difficult times in my life there are these ups and downs.  One day things are ok and another I can't stop thinking about what is troubling me.  I feel torn between emotions I feel are valid and ones I feel I shouldn't feel, if that makes any sense.  And then I want to know.  God, how will You make this right?  How will it all be ok?  Is this really Your plan?  I'm trying to find rest in Him.  I want to do, fix, coordinate, make things work...I can't.  Hepless is not a feeling I like to wallow in for very long.  How do you mangage hurt?  How do you fix pain?  How do you make loss work?  I pray but it still hurts.  I listen in the hopes of hearing something but there is just this swirling of thoughts that I'm afraid to think because I think if I go there I might just crumble.  I want to trust even though it hurts and it is hard.  I want to believe He has His hand in this.  It is not easy.  I suppose if it were easy the lesson could not be learned.  He would not be glorified.  And maybe I would not realize just how much I need Him every day...

I am not a fan of change

So right now is a time of sadness around here.  We are losing our Pastor and his family.  They are transfering to another church for various reasons.  I don't know if this is normal or not but we as a family love our Pastor and his family like family.  I am great friends with his wife and daughter.  I feel alot of heartache right now.  I don't know what God wants me to do with all of this.  I know that I should not put my rest in people, but in Him, but the human in me still feels sadness and lots of it.  They are, after all, the reason I felt led to go to that church.  Does this mean I am more about the people in the church rather than God?  I feel as if my whole world is being rocked and I'm so uncertain what comes next.  Why is it that I don't feel I can have church unless it is what I am used to?  Why do I need a certain type of music to get in the presence of the Lord?  I find myself asking these questions as I wonder who will fill the place of this family I love so much.  Am I worshiping God or needing stuff to fill the space?  I don't know if any of my doubts are valid or if I am just questioning everything because everything is changing.  I am not a strong person.  I am not a leader.  I seem to drift toward others' examples and then try to emulate that.  I find myself thinking on that too...shouldn't I be looking to God for the example and not depending on humans who are by nature sinners, for the example?    But I can see people.  I think that's my problem.  Easy to look at people for the example-I can see and touch them.  If I look to God and only God for my example it requires faith and the unseen...trials,tests,heartache...life never gets easier.  I'm making the decision, without a whole lot of excitement, to trust.  To believe that God knows my heartache.  He knows my needs.  He knows I am not strong.  He knows I am not a leader.  And in doing that I know through Him I can be all of these things and have all I need.

A diary of my life....

So this is it.  I've finally done it and embarked into the blogosphere.  I've been wanting to do this for some time because I am such a blog junkie.  I am inspired by the blogs of other mothers who, I see, are removing all of the smoke and mirrors we feel as mothers we need to put up to distract the world from the rawness of what our lives actually are to somehow impress someone.  But these fronts and this fakeness only leaves us feeling one thing.  Alone.  We are not achieving this title of "great mother" or "mrs. has it all together".  We are only isolating ourselves.  Because in all reality we are like all of the other mothers out there hiding our realness.  And this realness is what I have found out there in the wonderful world of blogs.  Where a mom can admit her weaknesses and find encouragement and advice from other moms.  It's where what is not said aloud even in the confidence of the most  honest friendships can be said to the world.  I'm writing for my family and for myself.  So maybe somehow I can take what the Bible tells me to do..."confess your sins one to another"...and not feel as if I will be an outcast or not live up to their standards.  Because when it comes down to it.  Their opinion of me does not decide my eternity.  And if I ever want to grow in Christ I have to learn to admit my weaknesses and faults.  Aloud.  Or for me...in this blog for now.  I will never be good enough to work my way to heaven.  Jesus would not have paid such a price if I could be.  I believe my life lesson has been to let go and stop trying.  Trying to measure up.  Trying to hide my inadequacies.  Trying to fix me so He will see me fit to be a "good" Christian.  So this is my journal.  My life in all it's messiness.  I hope this can be a vessel of truth.