My Doubt His Belief

A million different thoughts.  We are faced with decisions in life where we ask why me.  I find myself wondering why I feel the Lord asks me to do the very thing I feel I am not designed to do.  I am a helper.  I am a caregiver.  I am a multitasker.  I am a handful of things in my own eyes.  I feel I know what I am called to and at the same time wonder if I've missed it.  But when I am faced with something completely out of my comfort zone, something I feel is better left for someone else more qualified, I wonder....is this it?  Are You calling me, Lord, to fill in the gap that I don't feel even the slightest bit adequate to fill?  I will say it's not what I'm designed to do.  I will say You have made me for other things, not this.  I will squirm and fumble around and avoid this thing that I fear I will fall flat on my face trying to accomplish for You.  I can't.  I won't.  Oh but Lord I want to if it is for You.  Confusion and doubt come in like a flood during these times.  If I linger long enough they possibly could overwhelm me.  So I fight through.  I pray.  I wonder, why me?  Only You know the answers to those lingering questions.  The uncertainty of it all is what brings You glory.  Why did I never see this before? One little step of faith into the unknown is all it takes to move forward in His perfect will.  I want to be ok with the unknown.  I want to pray past all fear and rest.  Just rest in Him.  Old habits die hard.  I feel each new and completely different circumstance teaches me that same life lesson I have been learning all along this walk.  Trust Him.  Rely completely on Him.  Let go, and be obedient.  Oh but what will it look like? How will I prepare for something I don't know the outcome to?  I am just going to have to be ok with knowing He's got this and He will work all things together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.  Oh that verse has new meaning tonight.  Tonight when I feel lost like the branch being tossed to and fro.  Tonight I have to just believe and step ahead.  Sometimes there is a calm and a peace from the Holy Spirit that just comes.  And other times I feel like I have to go to war with my flesh.  Everything in my spirit wants to align with His word but my flesh screams the opposite and the battle is on.  Where does my help come from?  My help comes from the Lord, maker of heaven and earth.  I say these things in my mind as I go back and forth.  Reassuring.  Constant truth flooding me as doubt tries to seep in. 

*Remember to pause my player at the bottom of the screen if you would like to listen to this song=)

Moms Just Know

"Do you know where I put my karate belt?" "I can't find the vanilla in the cupboard.  Will you please help me?" "Where are the keys to my truck?" "I had my wallet on the dresser.  Where is it?" "Can you help me find my workbook?"  "Where did I put my favorite jeans?" "Have you seen my iPod?"  All of these questions are directed at one person.  Mom.  And most likely, she knows the answer to most of them or if she doesn't she will find it far more efficiently than the family member asking.  Why?  Mom pays attention to detail when it comes to her family.  She knows that she went and gathered the laundry from the kids' rooms and washed that karate belt that was in desperate need of a cleaning.  She knows that the last time a child made oatmeal on the stove top that child has a tendency to hastily put things back in the cupboard, knocking things over, making them hard to find.  She knows that a tired husband who normally leaves everything on his dresser, occasionally forgets to empty his jean pockets, which are now in the laundry pile.  She knows that he also occasionally leaves his wallet in the center console of his truck without realizing it.  She knows that the favorite jeans always end up in the dirty clothes and constantly need to be washed because they are a favorite.  She knows that a workbook is probably stuffed in some chair cushion that the child sits in to do schoolwork.  She knows the iPod is probably either in a pants pocket or in the washing machine because it never leaves a pants pocket.  She just knows. She knows where to look for just about anything because she knows how her family thinks, behaves, and lives.  It can be frustrating at times.  She thinks, "No, I don't know where YOU put YOUR wallet.  I didn't have it last, you did."  But she will go look anyway, because she has a pretty good idea where it is.  The heart of a mom always wants to help even if it can get tiring.  I sometimes joke with my husband, "How did you make it out the door in one piece before you met me? Is this some sort of marital condition that sets in at the point of 'I do'? You lose all ability to remember where you put things?" Haha!  It's alright with me.  I get a little bit of joy being the magician who can find the things no one else can.  They all act as if it is a miracle when I find something. "Where did you find it?!" "We looked everywhere! How did you find it?!" I just smile.

New Life

Sitting in a hospital room waiting for my little niece to be born makes me think back on my kids' lives.  It seems like so long ago that I had little ones.  Yet it doesn't seem like they should be as old as they are.  People tell you "they grow up fast", "time flies", "enjoy these moments, they'll be gone before you know it".  All these things they say and as a new mom you hear but don't really take to heart.  Few people live like they won't ever have those moments again.  Few people really cherish those baby years.  All of those firsts.  Few moms take time to really hold their kids while they can.  We all love our kids and give them all we have within us but life is busy.  Life is stressful.  Life is demanding.  Making every moment count can get pushed to the waist side. I have a lot of regrets.  Thinking of things I missed out on when I was too busy being busy.  But that doesn't stop me from wanting to do better today.  To take in more.  Breathe in life.  My kids will not remember my clean house.  My kids will not remember how many craft projects I tackled.  My kids will not look back and think of all of the activities they were allowed to be involved in.  They will remember the hugs.  They will remember the picnics in the park on a sunny day.  They will look back on the crazy camping trips in the pouring rain when we all huddled together under a tarp.  They will remember the not so expensive vacation when we didn't really "do" anything but love was shared and memories were made.  They will remember the coffee dates, the game nights, the Sunday night hot dog roasts, the spontaneous road trips, and the hikes in the woods.  These are the things I want implanted in my kids' memories of our family.  I pray that this will always be my heart's desire.  I pray that I never get too distracted, stressed or overwhelmed by life that I forget the truly important call to be a mom.  New life.  New beginnings.  It is never to late to realize what really matters.  

Grace

Grace.  I think my mother should have named me Grace.  Or I should have named one of my daughters Grace because I sure need a lot of it and need to be reminded continually of the beautiful grace given to me by my sweet Lord.  I need grace tonight.  Grace to bring me back to my knees.  Grace to remind me that we are all human.  Grace to remind me that I am worst than those I believe are in need of such grace.  Grace to carry me through the heartache that frustrates me, makes me angry, makes me want to take the reigns back and steer this horse in the "right" direction.  I need grace because I am so unbelievably dependant on my flesh all too often.  What peace comes from knowing how loved I am.  That there really is enough grace to cover me and all of my flaws.  This is where I rest tonight.  In the arms of Grace.

Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.-Hebrews 4:16

Live, Live, LIVE Life out

This afternoon is sort of cloudy with patches of sunshine peeking through and as I sit at my computer listening to the girls make up a sack lunch to take to the back of the property to the boys who are busy building another fort creation I'm reminded of something.  Love life.  Live life.  Go outside.  Smell the air.  Run in the leaves.  Play with your kids.  Eat the whole batch of cookies by yourself.  Be yourself.  Live for God first and for the approval of others never.  Do say I love you all day long.  Don't let these moments of time be just that.  I get caught up in how fast life is going by but then I remember..it's ok, I still have eternity with them.  We can just enjoy this for what this is right now.  I think I'll get off this thing, grab a cup of coffee, and go see what this new fort looks like=)

This Momma Thing

Ok so here we are...smack dab in the middle of teenage years and I'm thinking..."Where was I when this happened?"  Despite all of the obvious feelings of feeling old or not old enough to have teenagers, wishing I had more time with them, wanting them to be those sweet little ones I remember...I'm trying to be not only ok with this season in life but rejoice in it.  God is working in this house I tell ya.  He is cleaning out the closets, breaking chains, dismissing all pride and just molding us through all of this life stuff.  So much of what I want gets me falling back to old habits of do this, and do that to be just right.  No.  We will live according to His laws but we WILL live rejoicing in His mercy, grace, and redemption that was accomplished on the cross!  These kids are finding themselves.  They are trying to figure this thing out too.  Oh how I want to be a balanced example of what they should strive for.  But when I'm not, when I fall short...I want to be continuously pointing them to the One who will not and does not ever.  I am reminded and encouraged that so many of us mommas want the same thing.  Have the same struggles.  Really are living out this walk as I am and are not a perfect picture of what we all want to be.  I need Jesus.  Daily.  My verse this week: "Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ:"-Philippians 1:6 

God is faithful even when we are not

I have been discovering quite a bit about myself lately.  I've found :  I'm selfish.  I have little patience.  I am not as grounded in my faith as I thought I was.  I am reliant on other people.  I complain too much.  I ask for God's help too little.  I am inconsistent in many areas of my life.  I am nit picky.  I judge others.  And of course, I am too hard on myself from time to time.  I hate to be wrong.  And the list is still growing.  My faults.  They are many.  And quite a few of them I thought I had conquered or overcome.  Or maybe I had through His great mercy and grace but then decided to take back the wheel and crashed and burned again, and am now back to my starting point.  God is good.  He's teaching me again.  He's showing the way.  So many times we hear the words and the sermons and believe we are living them out but in all actuality we are just going through the motions and "doing" the right things but not asking Him to do them through us.  If it is just an act of obeying the law and not surrendering to Him, the One who makes all things possible we will just strive to do our best and fail eventually.  I believe that is why Christians get so frustrated.  We want so desperately to do what God has laid on our heart to do but rely on our own strength and ability to do it.  It's as if we pray for God's help in our lives and then forget we even prayed for it when the test is at hand.  It comes back to the joy of the Lord.  Joy to renew our strength.  We will not forget that the Lord is our only source of true strength if we do not forget the price that He paid for our victory.  And we can rejoice in Him daily for what He has done and is doing in us!