Fill me up

I am completely empty today.  I have a bad habit of running my car out of gas.  Not completely, but to the point I find myself saying, quite often, "Kids, start praying.  We're almost out of gas and need to make it 20 more miles.  Mom forgot to fill up again."  I've gone through 2 fuel pumps in 4 years and they aren't cheap for this gas hog.  But thankfully I've never been stranded.  Even the smallest, seemingly petty prayers are heard by God.  So like my car, I have let myself become empty, warning light on, Lord fill me up.  I have absolutely nothing to give but myself.  Unworthy, undeserving, but so desperate for You, Lord.  When will I learn?  When will I come to the place when I realize that I will always be this earthen vessel in need of You?  I am so physically and emotionally exausted all I can do is cry out to You and ask you to fill me.  Take everything else that is left and fill me with all of You.

This post was in my drafts folder. I do that a lot. Write and don't finish. Something I need to work on. Finishing things.  Another resolution. But today, this fits and I needed to be reminded of the things I wrote.

Live, learn, and pick up the pieces

Some things you just can't fix.  I'm the type of person who can't stand for others to be mad at me.  If I've done wrong I want to try my hardest to fix it before the sun goes down.  I hate disappointing others.  I'm far too concerned about what others think at times.  But then in the same breath, if I feel I'm right, I tend to not back down from my stance.  And while this can be good for standing your ground for what is right, it can also breed stubbornness and pride.  Oh the ugly head of pride and self righteousness that disguises itself as wisdom and clarity.  This year has been tough.  Physically and emotionally.  Hard lessons learned and not all of them were at just my expense.  I wonder sometimes if others learn their lessons as hard as I do in their own Christian walks.  I wonder if others get so blinded by their own "wisdom" that they lose sight of God's direction.  Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one out here really screwing things up big time.  I'm not trying to be dramatic, I really do think these things.  So what do you do when you've mucked things up and damaged hearts and lost sight of His plan?  Well, if you're me you don't figure any of that out for quite some time later. You just have to start from the beginning again.  Pray.  Seek forgiveness.  Repent.  And trust that the God who holds your heart can heal all things.  I struggle because I want everything to be the way it used to be.  Sometimes that is not possible.  But healing and restoring is. And out of my mess God is still working.  He hasn't stopped believing in me.  He hasn't stopped nudging me in His direction.  And it amazes me that even when I am over here stumbling over my own two feet, trying to find my way out of this tunnel I've wandered down, He doesn't change.  He continues to fulfill His promises.  He continues to answer my prayers.  There's a solace in knowing that this is only for a time.  This world.  This heartache.  These mistakes.  These struggles.  If we fight the good fight.  If we continue in the race, there is a reward.  There is a joy of a future with the One who carries me through all of this.   


The key, I believe, is holding on to His truth. The bible says, "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked; who can know it?"  So when we put our trust in ourselves and our own feelings we can land so far off base it's dangerous.  I'm not saying that we cannot trust our God given discernment, but everything bathed in prayer people.  Not being led by our feelings but by the Holy Spirit.  And using the word of God as our guide book.  So many times as Christians we get an idea of how we think things should be. How they should look. How people should act and be.   God deals with us all and I'm pretty sure He can handle it.  I think I lost sight of how much work He was still doing on me.  Don't ever let yourself get to a place where you think, this is good enough.  I'm not doing terrible things, I'm maintaining here...good enough.  God has so much more planned.  One of my old pastors used to say, we should be continuing daily to look more and more like Jesus.  I can't do that if I'm ok with where I am.  Good enough keeps us distant from God.  Good enough keeps us from reaching for Him and seeking His guidance and truth.  Good enough doesn't really need
God because good enough thinks it has all it needs from God and doesn't seek more.  I think good enough in our minds can be a pretty safe place to be but, in all actuality is a very dangerous place to be.  If we aren't seeking to move forward in our walk and relationship, where does that leave us? I'm going to guess....going backwards. 


So I'm still learning.  And I'm counting my blessings. God is still God regardless of what is going on and He is still doing amazing things.  Answering prayers I had almost given up on.  Changing hearts and molding future generations. 


"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation: old things have passed away, behold, all things have become new."-2 Corinthians 5:17

Daughters

They are under my feet in the kitchen.  They want to crack eggs and mix shells in my cookies.  They want to reach into the hot oven and grab the hot casserole.  They threaten to break every dish in my house with their clumsy little hands.  Oh but they want to help.  They want to cook and make beautiful delicious dishes that everyone will love.  They dress like I do, talk like I do, they even write like I do. They want to be like me.  Simple, plain, ordinary me.  Oh how humbling it is to be a mother of daughters.  These daughters that choose their drink at a restaurant based on what mommy drinks.  These daughters that ask, "What perfume are you wearing mommy? I want the same as you."  They come in with lipstick smeared faces ready to go to Walmart because they are just trying to do their faces up like mommy does.  I see it.  And sometimes I am frustrated by it.  Oh Lord, help me to remember in my busy hustle that they are trying to emulate me.  Help me to be the mother I want them to emulate.  When they do something that is unpleasing to You, help me to look within myself and ask myself if they emulated that behavior from their mother.  They look, they see, and they will inevitably be a lot like me.  And when I fail, because I will at times, help me to show them my repentant heart and point them back to You, the One who never fails.  I am so honored and humbled each day to be the mother of two beautiful, strong, courageous, loving girls.  Girls that I look at and see so much of myself and so much of who I was as a child and who I am today.  I love how our Creator makes us. 

My Doubt His Belief

A million different thoughts.  We are faced with decisions in life where we ask why me.  I find myself wondering why I feel the Lord asks me to do the very thing I feel I am not designed to do.  I am a helper.  I am a caregiver.  I am a multitasker.  I am a handful of things in my own eyes.  I feel I know what I am called to and at the same time wonder if I've missed it.  But when I am faced with something completely out of my comfort zone, something I feel is better left for someone else more qualified, I wonder....is this it?  Are You calling me, Lord, to fill in the gap that I don't feel even the slightest bit adequate to fill?  I will say it's not what I'm designed to do.  I will say You have made me for other things, not this.  I will squirm and fumble around and avoid this thing that I fear I will fall flat on my face trying to accomplish for You.  I can't.  I won't.  Oh but Lord I want to if it is for You.  Confusion and doubt come in like a flood during these times.  If I linger long enough they possibly could overwhelm me.  So I fight through.  I pray.  I wonder, why me?  Only You know the answers to those lingering questions.  The uncertainty of it all is what brings You glory.  Why did I never see this before? One little step of faith into the unknown is all it takes to move forward in His perfect will.  I want to be ok with the unknown.  I want to pray past all fear and rest.  Just rest in Him.  Old habits die hard.  I feel each new and completely different circumstance teaches me that same life lesson I have been learning all along this walk.  Trust Him.  Rely completely on Him.  Let go, and be obedient.  Oh but what will it look like? How will I prepare for something I don't know the outcome to?  I am just going to have to be ok with knowing He's got this and He will work all things together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.  Oh that verse has new meaning tonight.  Tonight when I feel lost like the branch being tossed to and fro.  Tonight I have to just believe and step ahead.  Sometimes there is a calm and a peace from the Holy Spirit that just comes.  And other times I feel like I have to go to war with my flesh.  Everything in my spirit wants to align with His word but my flesh screams the opposite and the battle is on.  Where does my help come from?  My help comes from the Lord, maker of heaven and earth.  I say these things in my mind as I go back and forth.  Reassuring.  Constant truth flooding me as doubt tries to seep in. 

*Remember to pause my player at the bottom of the screen if you would like to listen to this song=)

Moms Just Know

"Do you know where I put my karate belt?" "I can't find the vanilla in the cupboard.  Will you please help me?" "Where are the keys to my truck?" "I had my wallet on the dresser.  Where is it?" "Can you help me find my workbook?"  "Where did I put my favorite jeans?" "Have you seen my iPod?"  All of these questions are directed at one person.  Mom.  And most likely, she knows the answer to most of them or if she doesn't she will find it far more efficiently than the family member asking.  Why?  Mom pays attention to detail when it comes to her family.  She knows that she went and gathered the laundry from the kids' rooms and washed that karate belt that was in desperate need of a cleaning.  She knows that the last time a child made oatmeal on the stove top that child has a tendency to hastily put things back in the cupboard, knocking things over, making them hard to find.  She knows that a tired husband who normally leaves everything on his dresser, occasionally forgets to empty his jean pockets, which are now in the laundry pile.  She knows that he also occasionally leaves his wallet in the center console of his truck without realizing it.  She knows that the favorite jeans always end up in the dirty clothes and constantly need to be washed because they are a favorite.  She knows that a workbook is probably stuffed in some chair cushion that the child sits in to do schoolwork.  She knows the iPod is probably either in a pants pocket or in the washing machine because it never leaves a pants pocket.  She just knows. She knows where to look for just about anything because she knows how her family thinks, behaves, and lives.  It can be frustrating at times.  She thinks, "No, I don't know where YOU put YOUR wallet.  I didn't have it last, you did."  But she will go look anyway, because she has a pretty good idea where it is.  The heart of a mom always wants to help even if it can get tiring.  I sometimes joke with my husband, "How did you make it out the door in one piece before you met me? Is this some sort of marital condition that sets in at the point of 'I do'? You lose all ability to remember where you put things?" Haha!  It's alright with me.  I get a little bit of joy being the magician who can find the things no one else can.  They all act as if it is a miracle when I find something. "Where did you find it?!" "We looked everywhere! How did you find it?!" I just smile.

New Life

Sitting in a hospital room waiting for my little niece to be born makes me think back on my kids' lives.  It seems like so long ago that I had little ones.  Yet it doesn't seem like they should be as old as they are.  People tell you "they grow up fast", "time flies", "enjoy these moments, they'll be gone before you know it".  All these things they say and as a new mom you hear but don't really take to heart.  Few people live like they won't ever have those moments again.  Few people really cherish those baby years.  All of those firsts.  Few moms take time to really hold their kids while they can.  We all love our kids and give them all we have within us but life is busy.  Life is stressful.  Life is demanding.  Making every moment count can get pushed to the waist side. I have a lot of regrets.  Thinking of things I missed out on when I was too busy being busy.  But that doesn't stop me from wanting to do better today.  To take in more.  Breathe in life.  My kids will not remember my clean house.  My kids will not remember how many craft projects I tackled.  My kids will not look back and think of all of the activities they were allowed to be involved in.  They will remember the hugs.  They will remember the picnics in the park on a sunny day.  They will look back on the crazy camping trips in the pouring rain when we all huddled together under a tarp.  They will remember the not so expensive vacation when we didn't really "do" anything but love was shared and memories were made.  They will remember the coffee dates, the game nights, the Sunday night hot dog roasts, the spontaneous road trips, and the hikes in the woods.  These are the things I want implanted in my kids' memories of our family.  I pray that this will always be my heart's desire.  I pray that I never get too distracted, stressed or overwhelmed by life that I forget the truly important call to be a mom.  New life.  New beginnings.  It is never to late to realize what really matters.  

Grace

Grace.  I think my mother should have named me Grace.  Or I should have named one of my daughters Grace because I sure need a lot of it and need to be reminded continually of the beautiful grace given to me by my sweet Lord.  I need grace tonight.  Grace to bring me back to my knees.  Grace to remind me that we are all human.  Grace to remind me that I am worst than those I believe are in need of such grace.  Grace to carry me through the heartache that frustrates me, makes me angry, makes me want to take the reigns back and steer this horse in the "right" direction.  I need grace because I am so unbelievably dependant on my flesh all too often.  What peace comes from knowing how loved I am.  That there really is enough grace to cover me and all of my flaws.  This is where I rest tonight.  In the arms of Grace.

Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.-Hebrews 4:16